Inspiration & Catharsis

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste!

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 18:50:04 -0400

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30 ESV)

The words of this passage have been ringing in my head very strongly ever since I moved back to Columbus. Being at Taylor University (a small private Christian school in Upland, Indiana) for the past four and a half years, I realized, something here in Columbus has been missing from my life, and this something was a key factor in connecting me to my God. I was both confused and upset with myself because I have been blessed beyond belief in moving back to Columbus. The first week that I was here a friend introduced me to a fantastic church that had a service offered just for people like me, 20 somethings trying to transition from youth to adulthood. I immediately fell in love and became a regular attender. The same friend invited me to join his small group Bible study. There, I met some amazing people and some great relationships have formed from it, and through it also has come my beautiful and amazing girlfriend who has also been a huge blessing in my life. A few months later I got a job as an animal caretaker, which is a great first step in starting my career as a Service and Therapy dog trainer. It would seem like I have it all yes? Unfortunately the answer is no. Something big still seemed missing.
Something felt lacking in my relationship with God. I became very frustrated because I would say, ‘God look at all that you have given me and I still feel like I need more…’ I was very disappointed in myself for being so unsatisfied and feeling like a brat until I realized what was missing. While I was loving God with my heart and soul, attending church, participating in worship, making relationships with people around me, participating in the body of Christ… I was not loving him with all my mind.
I have always been a bit of an intellectual. I love things that make me think, and not just something like Inception where I have to solve the mystery of which layer of the dream I am in, but things that challenge my faith, my understanding to the world, my ethics, things that make me question my very meaning in this world. Ever since I was a kid my parents have told me I was very fond of one question in particular, “why?”. It would get to the point where they would have to make stuff up just to shut me up. I was so curious though! I never wanted to just accept things they way they were, I wanted to understand them and have a full grasp of why things were the way they were. I wanted to be in the know, and even better I loved being familiar enough that I could then go and tell someone else all about it! Ever since I’ve moved back to Columbus, this part of me has lied dormant.
I began to fill my free time with television, and not challenging television, but mindless sitcoms and TV dramas. I would spend my free time being lazy, spending my conversations in shallow surface level conversation, and not really making an effort to challenge my mind and my thinking. My blog even, has lied dormant since sometime last semester… I just haven’t really been using or taking advantage of the way God designed me as an intellectual.

In this passage from Mark chapter 12 verse 30, Jesus is asked what are the greatest of all the laws, to which he responds “The most important is, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” The second is this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There is no other commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:29-31 ESV)” God created me to be an intellectual, and stated that one of the two greatest commandments is to love him with all my mind, and I am wasting it watching television all day! I believe that this is why it seemed like I was not connecting to God.
While we are all different and therefore connect to God in different ways, I was not connecting the way Him and I usually connect. The artist uses their experience and emotions to expressively connect to The King with their heart and soul. Athletes honor him with their bodies- with rigorous training and exercise, they glorify their father with Their strength. The intellect challenge life’s deepest and most challenging questions in order to show glory and honor to God with all their mind. Of course each of us are called to love The Lord our God with ALL these traits, but due to God creating us as unique and complex beings, each of us will have different strengths that bond us to the Abba Father.
Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz) states “I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man’s mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God.” I don’t always have the most emotional reaction to things. Often my response tends to be one that involves a more thought out approach. I tend to respond to most situations by analyzing them rather than reacting emotionally. This doesn’t mean I am not emotional, often people have told me that they wished I showed more emotions or reacted to things with more emotion. I think this is because before my heart can connect to the situation, my brain has to fully understand what is going on, and once that happens, my heart can then feel free to emote. With this laziness I have fallen into however, both my heart and my brain were not experiencing a connection to God, because my mind was being wasted. Satan had drawn me so far from the gifts God has given me, that it caused me to see God as distant.

This made me wonder, what did I have a Taylor that I don’t have here? Well another thing I have discovered about myself is my introversion. I get energy from alone time, and not so much from spending time with people. At Taylor I didn’t have to try to seek people out because it was a dormitory campus and in order to be a full time student there, you had to live in their housing to some capacity. This meant I was surrounded by people constantly. I actually had to try hard to get alone time, rather than now were alone time comes easy and time with people is something I need to force myself to seek after. This meant that debates, discussion, and talks about things ethical, philosophical, or theological came easy and often. I wasn’t too hard pressed to find someone who would challenge me and my mind to a friendly and challenging discussion. Here I am surrounded by people, but the conversation isn’t always in this arena. Sometimes I get brushed off or ignored for bringing up certain topics or challenging issues. This is not a criticism or a complaint about those around me, but more a frustration in my lack of effort to exercise the thing that God has given me that I tend to get the most excited and passionate about.
In the same way some feel connected to God through nature, a good worship song, a rewarding workout, inspiring art, time with people or whatever your passion may be, I feel connected to my Father in heaven through worship when my mind is challenged and I am forced to dig deep in order to try and come up with the answer to that favorite question of mine, “why?”

This was a cool revelation to have. Not only do I now know more about how I worship or connect to God, but I now know that I need to add those types of mental and philosophical challenges back to my life. I’m still seeking how exactly that will play out in the form of practicality and how to structure something that happened so spontaneously in my life at Taylor to a more structured life I now have in the “real world”, but I am happy that I can now use this new found realization to better seek out and connect to my God in heaven. Maybe you can help me, by asking if I am doing what I can and should to be connecting to God, or by asking me if I am being too lazy with my free time! (what little of it I have between a full time student and almost full time job life style). Whilst hanging out with friends is good and something we are called to do, in order for my heart to be engaged, my mind must be first.

Lord, I pray that you would once again allow me to take the personality and psyche that you gave me to glorify you! Let the time I spend and the conversations I have connect me to your kingdom and connect you to my heart. Lord I pray that I would once again be challenged and would challenge myself to seek after you more fiercely. I pray that you would guide me and my words and thoughts to center you into them and let me and my lazy desires become less and less each day. I love you with my heart, I love you with my soul, and I stand by you in my mind, but am not exercising it to it’s full potential. Give me more of you in my day to day! I love you, and wish to be closer to you. Amen.

Time

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 18:41:56 -0400

To whom in may concern,

Have you ever looked at your life and wondered to yourself, when is the rest of my life going to begin? Sometimes I look at my present life and see a few things, I am a student in college, and this is now my 5^th year in doing so. I have a great family, friends all over the country, and over all I’m pretty blessed with some amazing things. If I really stop to think about my life and where I am, things are pretty good. However college leaves me, and many others, with a big looming question that hovers over us like a helicopter, perpetually asking us, “What’s next?”

I’m sure everyone in their life, at some point or another, has wrestled deeply with this question of, what is the next stage of my life? I decided to take a walk when the question of “what will I eat for lunch today,” became a mini existential crisis. Maybe crisis is far too big a word, but I started thinking: what am I going to eat today? I had that yesterday… maybe I could make… no that would take to long… the thoughts raced for a while when I stopped and realized, I have the rest of my life of meals to eat, I can’t go through this every time I get hungry! I started to wonder, what if I get bored of my food all the time? What happens when I don’t have the dining commons to fall back on? Which eventually led me to, what am I going to do with my life? Where will I be in 5 years?… this was getting to extreme, so I took a walk.

Stressed at the prospect of having the entire rest of my life to live, and I couldn’t even figure out what I wanted to do for lunch, I began to slow my walk and take in the world around me. I thought to myself, how am I going to deal with these looming questions and doubts about my future? I could add spice by always wanting the newest hottest thing! I looked down at my recently bought iPhone 4S, and I could not be happier about it. However, even that has begun to become just my phone, just another part of my life. The romantic excitement of my first iPhone has turned into just my phone (in spit of all of it’s great abilities). The phone cannot provide me happiness however. What if I were to lose my phone? What if it broke? Then who would I be? So clearly my identity cannot be in things…

Well, I started to think, maybe I need a girlfriend. I thought about the relationships I have, and they are pretty good. I have recently felt the pains of my nearest and dearest being scattered all over the world, and not being able to keep up with them all the time. The people I am closest to in this world are literally all over the world building their own lives. I began to think about how sad that was that these relationships were all so temporary in their closeness. Not that we are not still close, but as life goes on, things change, people change, and as a result, friendships change. Maybe if I had a girlfriend we’d get married, then that relationship would never go away! But people are human, and to put that much stock in them, would only result in pain for all parties involved.

I began to look at the world around me. I looked up at the sky, I walked through the grass, I brushed a tree branch. It was a beautiful day with gorgeous weather, and I could not have been happier about that. But even that was just the weather, these are not reliable either… Plants die, weather changes, seasons change… life goes on at such a rapid speed, it can sometimes be overwhelming to try to keep up. As I continued to think about and search for a “rock to stand on,” I decided to ask God what he thought about all this. Now being a Christian, one would assume that’s where I would begin. However all I can think about is that we are promised an amazing eternity, but right now I need to figure out what’s worthwhile about the present. Why am I here? Why do I have to live this life before going to heaven? Why do I have to deal with the troubles and pains, or even joys and happiness of this present life when I have this awesome thing called heaven I am moving towards? And here is what I came to… I needed to get over myself.

This entire conversation with God, all these questions contained one constant, the word “I.” I could not believe how into myself and stuck in my head I have been. To think that the God of the universe has set this world into motion, created everything in it, and allows it to continue each day, is astounding. So why would I want or need anything more?

I’m sure I could do an entire bible study to try to address this, but that’s not really why I’m writing this. I wanted to stop and think about the beauty of being in a relationship with God, and why this life is worth the time in which we spend in it here on earth. I wanted to stop and think about what goes on in my head and in my world that should probably be tweaked in order to bring my mind and heart closer to Christ. Here is the deal, how am I going to deal with the fact that I have to be present here on this earth, and here is what I came up with.

As I think about heaven, it sounds perfect. There is no pain, no evil, no temptation, no beginning, no end, all there really is, is love, joy, and all that good stuff us Christians strive for. So why would we have to put up with this life in between? Because think about how much more we will be able to appreciate heaven after living the lives we have here on earth! I think this might possibly be how I am going to find joy in suffering. I think about the good times in my life, when I felt prime, happy, joyful. How much sweeter are those knowing the pains and trials I have also had to deal with in this lifetime?

I remember reading an article a while back that talked about how people love dramatic and sad movies, because it makes them feel better about our own lives. I think sometimes we can seem masochistic because there is a strange beauty to pain and sadness that draws us in. We watch reality shows, movies, television, read books where people have brutal and horrible things happen to them, but we love it, because it makes us feel. Look at what happens when national tragedy strikes? People change and become this collective until that draws us so much tighter. That may seem awful, but look at scriptures. How often do we see someone go through tragedy and become closer to God as a result?

I have also had to deal with having a few friends go through existential and/or faith crises recently. Although these are scary to watch for loved ones, I will argue that I think they are necessary in order for us to reach a point of satisfaction with our lives and with our God. Why does it freak us out so much when someone wrestles with God or their faith? How many characters in the Bible did the same thing, and are now names that everyone knows as some of the greatest men or women of faith in history? Yeah the struggle can be painful, and scary, but if we don’t do it, how will our faith ever be real? Even Jesus had his faith tested in Matthew chapter 4. Because I have wrestled with my faith, I was able to reach a conclusion about all of this that brought me some comfort. I was able to make peace with God, because we have been through some pretty tough stuff together that got us to where we are now.

This life is about the present. Plain and simple, that is what this life here on earth is about. It is dangerous to always focus on the past, and naive to always be looking to the future. However, we have this happy medium that presents us with a vast array of possibilities, and that is the present. Now God designed me to be a planner, one of my gifts is administration, so don’t take this as me declaring planning is wrong, but are you living for your plans? Are you living for your future? Today I was all in a panic at 11:00am because I had something going on at 2:00pm and wanted to make sure I was ready and prepared. Of course I needed to be prepared for my afternoon tutoring kids, but I was panic-stricken three hours before the time was even near. I began to focus on my walk and something happened. I was content. I don’t often experience this emotion, but I felt it then. I looked around and look at the beautiful day, and the life God has me in right here and right now and things were okay. I started to think about the things that were giving me stress and I realized, they were irrelevant to right now, right here, this day. Yes I have been hurt in the past, and yes, I am unsure of my future, but I am here now and I am alive, well, and greatly blessed. So why am I always questioning what God has for me, when he surrounds me with so much to think about and be aware of right in front of my face? How naive of me to be panic stricken about where I will be in 5 years. Things may not be at an ideal, I may not be where I thought I would be at this stage of my life, but I’m here now… so why waste that pondering these questions that, quite frankly, will never really have an answer. In observing the events of my life and others around me I see that no matter how much I plan, life is a bumpy and winding road. To be so panic stricken about where it is going to lead, and how I’m going to get there, and if I will be happy is robbing my of my ability to live right now. I gave control up to God in that moment and saw that I can plan and live life, but to let it break me down to try to stay ahead of life, is only going to lead to misery.

So what did I take from all this? What is the point in worrying about your life? (1 Peter 5:6-11, Matthew 6:25-34). I can deal with life as it comes, or I can try to deal with my entire life all at once… I feel like the choice is rather obvious as to which is the better option here. Life is always going to have moments of mundane, moments of boring, moments of pain, moments of happiness, moments of suffering, and moments of joy. This is inevitable and consistent all at the same time. I don’t need to have the rest of my life figured out. I need to be smart in how I pursue the future, and how I enter it, but if I lose perspective, I will only find myself panicking over what I’m going to eat for lunch again. My life is about right now. It’s about the relationships I have right now (no matter how near or far). My life is about the place I am right now, the occupation I have right now, and it’s about what I can do for those around me right now. I am taking from this, to stop focusing so much on my life, and start focusing on the people, places, and things that are here in front of me now. If I am always thinking about tomorrow, I’m going to miss out on what is happening today.

“Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing yet had been done.”
~C.S. Lewis

“Dwell upon the brightest parts in every prospect and strive to be pleased with the present circumstances.”
~Abraham Tucker

“We encounter God in the ordinariness of life: not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary, mystical experiences but in our simple presence in life.”
~Brennan Manning

Love,

Manderson Jr.

Photo

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 20:22:13 -0400

Story of my life.

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 12:31:41 -0400

Story of my life.

"When we want to correct someone usefully and show him he is wrong, we must see from what point of..."

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 05:17:19 -0400

“When we want to correct someone usefully and show him he is wrong, we must see from what point of view he is approaching the matter, for it is usually right from that point of view, and we must admit this, but show him the point of view from which it is wrong. This will please him because he will see that we was not wrong but merely failed to see every aspect of the question”

- Blaise Pascal (via adamcsmith)

"Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but..."

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 04:23:39 -0400

““Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.””

- Susan Cain, Quiet (via revelationsong)

"Some Nights" Music Video

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 19:20:34 -0400

ournameisfunofficial:

The official “Some Nights” music video!

You can download the video for $0.99 this week on iTunes

"The roses under my window make no reference to former roses or to better ones; they are for what..."

Wed, 30 May 2012 22:06:49 -0400

“The roses under my window make no reference to former roses or to better ones; they are for what they are; they exist with God today. There is no time to them. There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence. Before a leaf-bud has burst, its whole life acts; in the full-bloom flower, there is no more; in the leafless root, there is no less. Its nature is satisfied, and it satisfies nature, in all moments alike. There is no time to it. But man postpones or remembers; he does not live in the present, but with riveted eye laments the past, or, heedless of the riches that surround him, stands on tiptoe to foresee the future. He cannot be happy and strong until he too lives with nature in the present, above time.”

- Emerson - Self Reliance (via breadenb)

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we,..."

Wed, 30 May 2012 22:05:45 -0400

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”

- William Somerset Maugham (via idterab)

Great movie

Wed, 30 May 2012 22:05:20 -0400

Great movie

Devo, by Joshua P. Larkin

Wed, 30 May 2012 00:18:45 -0400

As many of you know I lost a very near and dear friend of mine in April of this year. It has been a long journey to try and overcome the sudden loss of my friend and brother, Josh. Recently whilst digging through some old things after packing up and saying good bye to Samuel Morris hall for the last time (the dorm where Josh and I lived together for nearly three years) I stumbled upon a devotional that Josh had written for Taylor University’s Orchestra, which he then gave to me after he shared it with the group. It was incredibly meaningful finding this gift for several reason, but the main reason is that he was a gifted writer and a passionate and wise man. I wanted to share with you the devotional he wrote so here is a devo written by my dear friend Josh:

Devo for Orchestra

Gen 2:21-23- but for Adam, no suitable helper was found. SO the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The Man Said:

“This is now bone of my bones

And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called ‘woman,’

For she was taken out of man.”

There is much to be said about this passage of scripture, but I am going to focus on a small detail of it. These are the first words spoken from one human to another, but they were not spoken, they were sung. This idea is simply fascinating to me.

Mark Driscoll has this to say,

“This is the first recorded words we have in human history before sin enter the world, and it’s of a man singing. Some have postulated that we began as poets and we’re descended into prose. Maybe that’s why people like musicals, because we were meant to sing through life.”

To me, this is very important information. I have been playing trumpet for 12 years now and music has been a big part of my life.

Clark’s commentary on the Bible says “there is a very delicate and expressive meaning in the original, which does not appear in our version.”

In Hebrew this passages rhymes and it simply adds to the idea that this is meant to be sung.

If I had anything of substance to say, it would just be that it is more natural to sing or make music to the Lord than to write papers about him. Music is central to the human experience of praising God. It’s why we have Psalms in the Bible, because we were made to make music.

John Fredrick Nim’s Introduction to Poetry says this.

“When we imagine anything, we are playing with images, combining them in ways they’ve never been combined before, perhaps not even in nature itself. Out of such playing came primitive ritual and the mythologies of early religion. Out of our playing with hollow reeds or tightened sinews or the beat of bone on deerskin came early music.

-Some say poetry seems like an artificial refinement of natural speech. But in the literature of every country poetry comes before prose does. It’s closer than prose to the origins of language. We can even say it’s more natural: more primitive, more basic, a more total expression of muscular, sensuous, emotional, rhythmical nature of the human animal.

It’s another way for us to praise God, thanksgiving is coming, how will you praise him?

-Joshua Patrick Larkin

"We're all bastards, but God loves us anyway." - Will Campbell

Tue, 29 May 2012 02:27:03 -0400

Truth.

Mon, 21 May 2012 05:32:01 -0400

Truth.

Awesome Belcher: Islam and Western Bias

Wed, 16 May 2012 06:22:39 -0400

Awesome Belcher: Islam and Western Bias :

This is a really good paper written by a dear friend of mine, give it a once over, it shares some necessary perspective regarding the Middle East.

breadenb:

While I was avoiding studying for finals, I came across a paper I wrote last year in Modern Middle East. I’m not sure how interest anyone but me will think it is, but the ideas, I think, are universally important.

In his 1962 book The Savage Mind; the brilliant French anthropologist Claude…

Video

Thu, 10 May 2012 04:27:17 -0400

Why we should avoid masturbation, pornography, and Premarital-Sex

Tue, 08 May 2012 20:29:40 -0400

Why we should avoid masturbation, pornography, and Premarital-Sex:

These are some short but truth filled videos that talk about why we should avoid masturbation, premarital sex, and pornography… really worth the watch.

Reconciliation to God, Reconciliation to All

Sun, 06 May 2012 14:55:42 -0400

Whenever I write about a specific word or idea I like to first start with the definition and root of that word. When we look up the definition we see such meanings as to restore friendly relations between, to cause to coexist in harmony, to settle disagreement, or make someone accept something unwelcome. The root of it comes from the Latin word re- meaning “back” and conciliare “bring together”. I find this beneficial because it shows how the concept came to be and how we have made into the idea it is today. Reconciliation to me goes a step beyond forgiveness because it does not just dismiss one’s transgressions, but it allows and offers to have a relationship restored and brought back together. In some ways reconciliation is more powerful than forgiveness, because one can forgive and still not desire relationship with the offender.

Quite possibly one of the strongest references to the idea of reconciliation for me comes from 2 Corinthians 5: 14-21. It starts out with Paul stating to the church of Corinth “ [14] For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; [15] and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” This is powerful because it states that Christ love is not given to any one specific person or people group. Christ died so that we may all die to our sin and be made anew in him. God counts our lives as ended and freeing us from the penalty of death for our sins, sin has lost its power over us and over our lives.

Paul goes on to write “[16] From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. [17] Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” This is referring to Paul and the Jews believing that Jesus was a strong prophet and not exactly the messiah, but he made abundantly clear that he is the son of God and displayed The Lord’s power through his life, death, and resurrection. Christ made it possible for us to live a new life and be born again as free from sin. We are an old creation, separated from our transgressions. We have a new life and an eternal life that we will spend with the father in heaven.

He then goes on to state “[18] All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; [19] that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.” This is probably the most important part of this passage because it portrays a vital and serious message of God’s grace. As I mentioned earlier, reconciliation is not just forgiving on of their transgressions, but it is wanting, desiring to be in relationship with them in spit and even with their faults. Paul states here that God does not just want to forgive our sins, the whole purpose of this gift of new life was so that we could live in eternity with Him. God is holy and just, and because of this no evil or sin can exist in his presence. However we are inherently sinful due to the fall. God loves us so much though, that we wanted to reconcile us to him again so that we may live with him in perfect eternity in heaven. So he had to reconcile us to him and allow the wages of sin (death) to be paid, which Paul explains in the last part of this passage with “[20] Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. [21] For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” This is a huge gift of which God has given us! To waste it would be insane on our part. There is absolutely no reason we should be so negligent of such an incredible gesture.

He offers us the chance to actually become the righteousness of God, to be forgiven of our past, no matter how bad they may be. Not only does he want us to be reconciled to him, but he wants to make sure no one is denied that opportunity. We should be so filled with love and excitement from this, that we should have no problem spreading that gospel message.

We see in Hebrews 12: 15 “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” He does not want this message to sit and stay with us, he wants us to make sure that no one misses the grace of God, and that everyone has a chance to seek this reconciliation to the king, the father, the savior.

I know this concept is extremely difficult however when we begin to get into the realm of enemies. Whenever we start to think about enemies, those who had harmed us, or hurt us in some way. Although we see much in the Bible about loving your enemy, and pray for those who persecute you, or how the best way to defeat an enemy is to make him your friend (Matthew 5:43-48), I think some of the best words I have heard spoken on this matter are by the great Martin Luther King Jr. MLK Jr. states: “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” When we see that our enemy is a person, a sibling, a spouse, a friend, a son/daughter, a parent, when we see that they are just like us, it makes it easier for us to understand that they were probably in just as much hurt or pain as they put us through. In fact, it is possible they are in more pain than they put us through. If we continue to hate and fight, all we do is generate more hate, and more fighting. However if we generate love, and show empathy to those who persecute us, we stand the chance of defeating our enemy with love and turning our enemy into an ally or a partner. I do not see a better way to end conflict than by eliminating the differences and the concept of opponents. We are all human, and are all deserving of our humanity. To rob someone of that by demonizing or dehumanizing them is simply wrong. If we are willing to offer everyone their chance at humanity, we will see much more common and much more reasons to be united than divided. However we live in fear and distrust so we remain divided.

The application of this is more difficult. I think for me it has huge potential on a personal level however, because I have a scarred past that involves much rejection, abandonment, and abuse. I have been through much with bad relationships, and bad friendships, but the worst was my relationship with my dad. When I was in high school we were not able to see eye to eye on anything, and our own stances, principles, and beliefs took precedence over each other. These past relationships have caused me to be extremely cautious and guarded in present relationships, and even cause me to sabotage or ruin these relationships sometimes, but this is not love, and this is not what I just spent several pages explaining Christ wants from us.

I recently lost an extremely close friend and brother of mine. In Josh Larkin’s life we saw a man who lived our love fearlessly and fiercely. There was no doubt he was living out this message of reconciliation and making sure others were reconciled to Christ as well. When I compare where I am to where he was, I see how this past of mine has caused me to live in fear, rather than in love like my brother Josh. I should have considered my dad and what he might have been going through when I was in high school. I should have considered my friends and my loved ones who I have fallen away from. Just like the words of MLK, I should have seen where my loved ones, or enemies cried.

Maybe then I would not be estranged from them now. So how do I achieve personal reconciliation? With time, patience, and love. I have seen my dad and I grow inches over the past year as he advises me through my transition from college to the real world. I have seen reconciliation with my present friends as I learn to trust and put down my walls, as to let them in and not fearfully hold them at an arms length. I need to make my life more like Joseph’s as he states in Genesis 50:20: that even though evil may have been meant against me, God is meaning it for good, to bring about that many people should be saved as they are today. My past was filled with hurt, but my future does not have to be. If I continue to closer reconcile myself to God, he will continue to make me whole, and it will allow me to love as fearlessly as my brother Josh did. Then I will be able to reconcile others to God, just like Josh did. Does this apply to you? Where do you need reconciliation in your life? Don’t wait until it’s too late, don’t wait until later, start your reconciliation and reconciling others sooner rather than later.

In the words of the Larkin family: “Jesus is Victor!”

Love,

Manderson

We're loved, whether we like it or not... live like it...

Tue, 01 May 2012 14:40:14 -0400

God sees us as worth fighting for. Meaning our sins were something that needed to be bought and paid for, and God wanted to help us in taking over this burden. He came to fight the battle with sin, and the battle with death. He also created us and created us as beautiful, lovable, and miraculously intricate creatures…. we are created in his image… that is no coincidence… we are loved, cared for, and if God sees us this way… we should see us that way too… to be so harsh and down on ourselves, and who we are is dumb and ridiculous…

We need to start seeing ourselves, our purity, our hearts as something worth loving and something worth fighting for. I am experiencing and understanding of how hard that is, but I find this is good motivation for giving it all it takes for taking extreme measures to connect with the king. Which means avoiding and removing things that are negative influences on our hearts… I’ve always been told, what goes into your heart is what comes out. I realized that I’ve been very guarded and closed off to love a lot recently, which if I’m not receiving it, then I’m not giving it… and visa versa…

In Titus 2: 11-12 it says, “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age.” This challenged me because I feel like I have been living like a Christian atheist recently… I’ve just been kind of doing what it takes to go from the day to day… I’ve been ignoring the things people have been doing to show me God’s love and taking advantage of the friends and loved ones I have…. letting myself feel lonely and unloved when I’m surrounded by people who care so much about me… However this is not the message my loved ones or my Father is sending me. Maybe others can relate to this? It’s an apathetic place to be, but it’s not permanent.

Nothing in this world is worth the sacrifice it takes to give our whole hearts to God. Jonah 2:8 “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” For me recently this has been a bit of a problem. This has caused me to put things that are unclean and impure to my heart, and that probably has been an issue with how I’ve been to my friends and family recently.

Another verse that convicted me was James 4: 6-10: [6] But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” [7] Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. [8] Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. [9] Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. [10] Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. (James 4:6-10 ESV) (THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD BE SAD, ANGRY, BITTER, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT!! I know we prefer to feel down because it’s a more comfortable place to be… sometimes it’s easier to be in mourning or pain because it’s comfortable and we know how to deal with it better than dealing with things like happiness, joy, comfort, things that we are allowed and encouraged to experience btw….) What this verse is saying is that we should mourn our sin… I tend to brush off my sin because I know God forgives… but if I keep treating it so lightly… it will only get worse… Grieve, mourn, and wail… our sins are not something to joke about or take lightly… we are forgiven, but that does not take away the weight or the power of sin if we choose to allow it into our hearts.

The last verse I have is John 3: 19-23: [19] And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. [20] For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. [21] But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.” (John 3:19-21 ESV) This tells me that I shouldn’t put up so many guards and walls against my brothers and friends… I know I tend to be closed off about present struggles and present sins… but I need to not only be more open to love… I need to welcome light into the darkness to help extinguish the darkness…. I can’t just wallow in self-pity, or be so down or harsh on myself all the time, because THAT IS NOT GOD!! God wants to build us up and strengthen us and encourage us… in fact in scripture it states that God wants to “exalt” us… (1 Peter 5: 6-11)

It is not only a problem that we resist love and try to create false modesty, but it actually goes against God’s will for us…. God will keep us humble and oppose the proud… but it’s proud to resist his love, light, and encouragement… we don’t have the right to do that… Like it or not He loves us… and because of this we are worth being loved, and we are worth fighting for… the fight against sin needs to be enforced, and the fight against encouragement, love, etc, needs to end… It’s the only way we can truly move past this part of our lives and this point in our sin struggle, and the only way we can feel truly connected to The King… our Abba father, or daddy.

Love does not mean accepting our sin and strife, it means resisting it and fighting it stronger because that’s what our loving father wants for us. He wants the best for us… and that can only happen if we are pure and seeking righteousness. Unless we are wounded by his holiness, we cannot be healed by his grace… C.S. Lewis stats “Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing yet had been done.” I think it’s time that we start taking more ownership of our lives in Christ and choosing to live as the saved, loved, forgiven, sons that we are… We need to start living as a man to men (woman to women), a warrior to demons, and always live as God’s boy (girl).

We need to live our lives passioantly for our King, everday may not be about dramatic sacrifice or bending over backwards… maybe it’s just about obedience, but God is someone that we need to connect to daily in order to stay rooted in ourselves and in the love he has for us. Whatever that looks like for you, find it and hold onto it. It is not a love or a comfort that can come from anyone else but Him…. but it can change you and everyone in your life too.

Love,

Matt

A long but applicable and important article:

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 04:55:39 -0400

Emotional Dependency: A Threat To Close Friendships – by Lori Thorkelson

Posted by admin

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” – Proverbs 4:23

Throughout the years, we’ve realized that one of the most intense struggles people encounter is the problem of emotional dependency. Emotional dependency can range from a powerful romantic attachment to another person to a platonic friendship that has become too ingrown and possessive. Several months ago, the San Rafael Love in Action staff conducted a special meeting to research the subject of emotionally dependent relationships. The results of that meeting, plus insight gained through our counseling experience, are reflected in this three-part article. Part 1 defines the problem and looks at some of the set-ups that lead to dependent relationships.

Part 1

Mary had spent long hours with Sarah, counseling her and helping her through the struggles of being a new Christian. They seemed to have a great friendship with lots of common interests and a mutual love for the Lord. Sarah felt Mary understood her better than anyone ever had. Even Sarah’s husband, Bill, couldn’t provide her with the closeness she experienced with Mary. Mary and her husband, Tom, had a fulfilling marriage, but Tom’s sales career kept him away from home often. A loving person, Mary willingly invested her time and caring in Sarah, who really seemed to need her. It was rewarding for Mary to see Sarah growing the Lord, and she enjoyed Sarah’s obvious admiration.

The shock came when Mary and Sarah found themselves emotionally and physically involved with each other. Neither woman had ever been aware of homosexual feelings before. Both of them loved God and cared for their husbands. Their friendship had appeared to be Christ-centred, as they frequently prayed and read the Bible together. If what they were doing was wrong, why hadn’t God stopped them? Why hadn’t they seen the danger signals along the way? Now that they were so closely involved, they couldn’t imagine being apart. “What are we going to do?”, they wondered.

What Is Emotional Dependency?

Long before Mary and Sarah were involved homosexually, they’d entered into an emotionally dependent relationship. Emotional dependency, as we’ve defined it, is:

the condition resulting when the on-going presence and/or nurturing of another is believed necessary for personal security.

This nurturing comes in many different forms of input from one person’s life into another:

attention,
listening,
admiration,
counsel,
affirmation, and
time spent together.

Emotionally dependent relationships may appear harmless or even healthy at first, but they can lead to destruction and bondage greater than most people can imagine. Whether or not physical involvement exists, sin enters the picture when a friendship becomes a dependent relationship. To differentiate between the normal interdependency that happens in wholesome relationships and an unhealthy dependency, we’ll look at the factors that make up dependent relationships: how and why they get started and how they are maintained.

Characteristics of a Dependent Relationship.

We all have a deep need, placed in us by God, for intimate friendships. How do we know when we’re meeting this need legitimately? Is there some way to recognize when we’ve crossed the line into dependency? Here are some signs that an emotional dependency has started:

When either party in a relationship:

experiences frequent jealously, possessiveness and a desire for exclusivism, viewing other people as a threat to the relationship.
prefers to spend time alone with this friend and becomes frustrated when this doesn’t happen.
becomes irrationally angry or depressed when this friend withdraws slightly.
loses interest in friendships other than this one.
experiences romantic or sexual feelings leading to fantasy about this person.
becomes preoccupied with this person’s appearance, personality, problems and interests.
is unwilling to make short or long range plans that don’t include the other person,
is unable to see the other’s faults realistically.
becomes defensive about the relationship when asked about it.
displays physical affection beyond that which is appropriate for a friendship.
refers frequently to the other in conversation; feels free to “speak for” the other.
exhibits an intimacy and familiarity with this friend that causes others to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in their presence.

How Does a Dependent Relationship Differ from a Healthy Friendship?

A healthy relationship is free and generous. Both friends are eager to include others in their activities. They experience joy when one friend hits it off with another. In a good friendship, we desire to see our friend reach his or her full potential, developing new interests and skills. A dependent relationship is ingrown, creating mutual stagnation and limiting personal growth. In normal relationships, we are affected by things our friends say and do, but our reactions are balanced. When we’re emotionally dependent, a casual remark from our friend can send us into the heights of ecstasy or the pits of grief. If a close friend moves away, it is normal for us to feel sorrow and a sense of loss. If one of the partners in a dependent relationship moves, the other is gripped with anguish, panic and desperation. A healthy friendship is joyful, healing, and upbuilding; an emotional dependency produces bondage.

Set-ups for Emotional Dependency.

Emotional dependency comes as a surprise to most people. Like Mary and Sarah, they don’t see the problem coming until it has hold of them. However, dependencies don’t happen in a vacuum. Definite elements in our personalities and situations can set us up for binding relationships. Sins and hurts from the past leave us vulnerable, too. Having an awareness of these set-ups helps us to know when we need to exercise special caution in our relationships.

Personality Set-ups: Who Is Susceptible?

Anyone can fall into a dependent relationship given the right pressures and circumstances. However, there are a few common personality patterns that consistently gravitate towards each other to form dependencies. The basic combination seems to be the individual who appears to “have it all together” teamed up with one who needs the attention, protection or strength the other offers. Variations on this theme include:

counsellor / person with problems
“in control” person / one who needs direction
parent / child
teacher / student.

Although these pairs appear to include one strong person and one needy person, they actually consist of two needy people. The “strong” one usually has a deep need to be needed. As often as not, the one who appears weaker actually controls the relationship. We’ve talked with people who have been “weak” in one relationship and “strong” in another, and sometimes these elements aren’t apparent at all. A balanced friendship can turn into a dependent relationship if other set-ups are present.

Situational Set-ups: When Are We Most Vulnerable?

Certain times in our lives find us feeling insecure, ready to grasp hold of whatever security is available to us. Some of these times include:

Life crises – relationship break-up, death of someone close, loss of job.
Transition periods – adjusting to new job, moving to new home, getting engaged or being newly married, starting university, becoming a Christian.
Peak pressure periods – final examinations week, deadlines at work, personal or family illness, holidays such as Christmas.
When we’re away from the familiar and secure – vacation, camp, conferences, prison, military service.

We’re also vulnerable during times of boredom or depression. The best way to avoid trouble is to recognize our need for special support during these times and plan ahead for these needs to be met in healthy ways. These might include sharing our burdens with a small prayer group, scheduling a series of appointments with a counsellor or pastor, increasing our contact with family members and most important, cultivating our relationship with Jesus through special quiet times. Also, there’s nothing wrong with letting our friends know we need their support! Problems only develop when we lean too much on one particular friend to meet all our needs.

Roots: Why Are We Prone to Dependency?

In a dependent relationship, one or both people are looking to a person to meet their basic needs for love and security, rather than to Jesus. Unless underlying spiritual and emotional problems are resolved, this pattern will continue unbroken. Typical root problems that promote dependency include:

covetousness, which is desiring to possess something (or someone) God has not given us
idolatry, which results when a person or thing is at the centre of our lives rather than Christ
rebellion, which is refusing to surrender areas of our lives to God, and
mistrust, failing to believe God will meet our needs if we do things His way.

Sometimes hurts from our past leave us with low self-esteem, feelings of rejection and a deep unmet need for love. Bitterness or resentment toward those who have hurt us also open us up for wrong relationships. These sins and hurts need to be confessed and healed before real freedom can be experienced. This can happen through confession and prayer, both in our personal times with the Lord and with other members of the body of Christ.

Emotional dependency is a painful thing to discuss. Most of us have experienced this problem. None of us are exempt from the temptation to draw our life and security from another person, especially when that person is handy and cooperative. Dependent relationships can form in opposite and same sex friendships. They can happen between married couples and between parents and children. But in the heart of the Gospel, there’s a message of truth that can free us from self-seeking relationships. For a lot of us, that really is good news!

Part 2

“All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weights the heart” – Proverbs 21:2

Next, we explore the role manipulation plays in these relationships, plus a look at some reasons why emotional dependencies are hard to break.

Maintenance through Manipulation.

Manipulation is an ugly word. None of us likes to believe we could ever be guilty of this activity. Yet when emotionally dependent relationships form, manipulation often becomes the glue that holds them together.

To explain what we mean by manipulation, we came up with a working definition:

“attempting to control people or circumstances through deceptive or indirect means”.

Webster’s Dictionary describes manipulation as being insidious, which means:

treacherous – awaiting a chance to entrap.
seductive – harmful but enticing.
subtle – developing so gradually as to be well established before becoming apparent, having a gradual but cumulative effect.

Some typical forms of manipulation used to begin and maintain dependencies:

Finances – combining finances and personal possessions, moving in together.
Gifts – giving gifts and cards regularly for no special occasion, such as flowers, jewelry, baked goods, and gifts symbolic of the relationship.
Clothes – wearing each others’ clothing, copying each others’ styles.
Romanticisms – using poetry, music, or other romanticisms to provoke an emotional response.
Physical affection – body language, frequent hugging, touching, roughhousing, back and neck rubs, tickling, and wrestling.
Eye contact – staring, giving meaningful or seductive looks; refusing to make eye contact as a means of punishment.
Flattery and praise – “You’re the only one who understands me.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Proverbs 29:5 says “Whoever flatters his neighbour is spreading a net for his feet.”

Conversational triggers – flirting, teasing, using special nicknames, referring to things that have special meaning to both of you.
Failing to be honest – repressing negative feelings or differing opinions.
Needing “help” – creating or exaggerating problems to gain attention and sympathy.
Guilt – making the other feel guilty over unmet expectations: “If you love me, then … “

“I was going to call you last night, but I know you’re probably too busy to bother with me.”

Threats – threats of suicide and backsliding can be manipulative.
Pouting, brooding, cold silences – when asked, “What’s wrong”, replying by sighing or saying, “Nothing”.
Undermining partner’s other relationships – convincing him others do not care about him, making friends with partner’s other friends in order to control the situation.
Provoking insecurity – withholding approval, picking on partner’s weak points, threatening to end the relationship.
Time – keeping the other’s time occupied so as not to allow for separate activities.

These are common ways manipulation is used to hold dependent relationships together. Some of these things are not sinful in and of themselves. Honest praise and encouragement, giving of gifts, hugging and touching are important aspects of godly friendship. Only when these things are used for selfish ends — to bind or control another, to arouse responses leading to sin — do they become manipulative.

Why Are Dependencies Hard To Break?

Even when both parties realize a relationship is unhealthy, they may experience great difficulty in breaking the dependency. Often those involved will begin to separate, only to run back to each other. Even after dependencies are broken, the effects may linger on for some time. Let’s look at some reasons why these attachments are so persistent.

There are benefits.

We usually don’t involve ourselves in any kind of behaviour if we don’t believe it benefits us in some way. As painful as dependency is, it does give us some gratification. The fear of losing this gratification makes dependent relationships hard to give up. Some of the perceived benefits of an emotional dependency include:

Emotional security – A dependent relationship gives us the sense that we have at least one relationship we can count on. This gives us a feeling of belonging to someone.

Intimacy – Our need for intimacy, warmth, and affection might be filled through this relationship.

Self worth – Our ego is boosted when someone admires us or is attracted to us. We also appreciate feeling needed.

Relief from boredom – A relationship like this might add excitement and romance when life seems dull otherwise. In fact, the stressful ups and downs of the relationship can become addictive.

Escape from responsibility – The focus on maintaining the relationship can provide an escape from confronting personal problems and responsibilities.

Familiarity – Many people don’t know any other way of relating. They are afraid to give up the “known” for the “unknown”.

We can’t see it as sin.

The culture we live in has taken the truth that “God is love” and turned it around to mean, “Love is god”. In modern history, romantic or emotional love is viewed as a law unto itself: when you “love” someone (meaning: when you have intense romantic feelings for someone), anything you do with that person is “OK”. Viewed in this light, dependent relationships seem beautiful and noble. Especially if there is no sexual involvement, dependent attachments are easy to rationalize. Genuine feelings of love and friendship might be used to excuse the intense jealously and possessiveness present in the dependency.

Also, we may not be able to see how a dependent relationship separates us from God. “I pray more than ever”, one woman told us. What she didn’t mention was that she never prayed about anything but her dependent relationship. Sometimes people say, “This friend draws me even closer to God.” What usually has happened is that the emotional dependency has given them a euphoric feeling that masquerades as “closeness to God”. When the friend withdraws even slightly, God suddenly seems far away!

Root problems are not dealt with.

We might end a dependent relationship by breaking it off or moving away. However, if we still have unhealed hurts, unfilled needs, or an unrepentant heart, we’ll fall right into another dependent relationship or return to the one we left. Dealing with the surface symptom rather than the real problem leaves the door open to future stumbling.

Spiritual influences are overlooked.

When we ignore the Holy Spirit’s correction, we make ourselves vulnerable to satanic oppression. Those who willingly enter dependent relationships become candidates for spiritual deception. Wrong begins to seem right to them and truth begins to sound like a lie. When breaking free from dependent relationships, we sometimes overlook the importance of spiritual warfare: prayer, fasting and deliverance. If emotional ties have gone deep into a person’s life, especially if sexual sin has been involved, there’s the need to break the bonds that have formed between the two people. When dependency has been a lifelong pattern, ties need to be broken with all past partners as well, If the spiritual aspects are not dealt with thoroughly, this sin pattern will continue.

We don’t want to give up our sin.

Counsellors know the frustration of going through all imaginable steps of counselling, support, and spiritual warfare on behalf of a counsellee only to realize this individual has no interest in changing. People in dependent relationships sometimes say they want out, but they really want to be relieved from the responsibility of doing anything about the problem. They hope talking to a counsellor will free them from the pressures of their conscience. Meanwhile, their desire and intent is to continue having the dependent relationship. Sometimes the bottom line is this: an emotional dependency is hard to break because the individuals involved don’t want it to be broken.

Part 3

“For you were once in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of the light, for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true, and find out what pleases the Lord.” Ephesians 5:8-10

The conclusion of this three-part article on “Emotional Dependency” brings relief to our readers: there is freedom from emotional dependency! Healing for this sin that so deeply affects our ability to relate to others is found through right relationship with Christ and the members of His body. In exploring “The Path Out of Dependency”, we look at suggestions coming directly from Christians who’ve battled this sin, yet now are learning to enjoy relationships that reflect God’s design and intent.

The Path Out of Dependency.

The tendency to draw our life and security from another human being is a problem nearly everyone faces. However, it’s only after we encounter repeated frustration and sorrow in emotionally dependent relationships that we hunger for something more satisfying. We long to find contentment and rest in our relationships with others, but how do we break the old patterns?

Before we start exploring the different elements in overcoming dependency, we need to grasp an important truth: there is NO FORMULA that leads us to a transformed life. Lifelong tendencies towards dependent relationships can’t be changed by following “ten easy steps”. Jesus Christ desires to do an intimate and unique work within each of us by the power of His Holy Spirit. Change will come as we submit to Him and cooperate with that work. The guide-lines we’re considering here illustrate ways God has worked in various people’s lives to bring them out of emotional dependency. Some of the suggestions apply to gaining freedom from a specific relationship, others pertain to breaking lifelong patterns. All represent different aspects of a whole picture: turning away from forms of relationship rooted in our sin nature and learning new ways of relating based on our new natures in Christ.

Elements In Overcoming Emotional Dependency

Making a commitment to Honesty.

In the second part of this series, we covered some reasons why dependencies are hard to break. One reason was that as a result of the deception that sets in, we can’t see dependency as sin. This deception is broken when we are honest with ourselves, admitting we’re involved in a dependent relationship and acknowledging our dependency as sin. Then we’re ready for honesty with God, confessing our sin to Him. We don’t have to hide our confusion, our anger, or any of our feelings, we just need to pour out our hearts to Him, asking Him to give us the willingness to obey His will in this matter. The next challenge is being honest with another person. We can seek out a mature brother or sister in Christ and confess to them, “Look I’m really struggling with my feelings towards my partner on the evangelism team. I’m getting way too attached to her. Could you pray with me about this?” As we “walk in the light” in this way, we can be cleansed and forgiven. If we’re aware of specific ways we’ve manipulated circumstances to promote the dependent relationship, we can ask forgiveness for these actions, too. The deeper the honesty, the deeper the cleansing we’ll receive. In choosing someone to share with, the best choice is a stable, trustworthy Christian who is not emotionally involved in the situation. This person can then intercede for us in prayer and hold us accountable, especially if we give them freedom to periodically ask us “how things are going”. Extreme caution needs to be used in sharing our feelings with the one we’re dependent on. At Love In Action, San Rafael, we’ve seen regretful results when one brother (or sister) has shared with another in an intimate setting, “Hey, I’m really attracted to you. I think I’m getting dependent”. It’s better to seek the counsel and prayer of a spiritual elder before even considering this step, and even then, we need to ask the Lord to shine His light on our motives.

Introducing Changes in Activities: Gradual Separation.

Whether the dependency has been mutual or one-sided, we usually begin to plan our lives around the other person’s activities. In dealing with dependent relationships in Love in Action, San Rafael, we don’t advocate the idea of totally avoiding another member of the body of Christ. However, we do recognize that a “parting of the ways” is necessary in breaking dependency. For example, we don’t recommend that a person stop attending church just because the other person will be there. But we do know that placing ourselves unnecessarily in the presence of the person we’re dependent on will only prolong the pain and delay God’s work in our lives.

Allow God To Work.

This sounds so obvious, but it’s not as easy as it seems! After we confess to God that we’re hopelessly attached to this individual and are powerless to do anything about it, we invite Him to come in and “change the situation”. The Lord never ignores a prayer like this. Some people begin to confront us about this relationship, but we assure them we have it all under control. Our friend decides to start going to a different Bible study, and soon we find a good reason to switch to the same one. The Holy Spirit nudges us to get rid of certain record albums, but we keep forgetting to do it. We ask God to work in our lives, but then we do everything in our power to make sure He doesn’t! I’ve learned from my own experience that thwarting God’s attempts to take someone out of my life only produces prolonged unrest and agony. Cooperation with the Holy Spirit brings the quickest possible healing from broken relationships.

Preparing for Grief and Depression.

Letting go of a dependent relationship can be a painful as going through a divorce. If we acquaint ourselves with the grief process and allow ourselves to hurt for a season, our healing will come faster. If we repress our pain and deny ourselves the time we need to recover, we’ll carry around unnecessary guilt and bitterness. Some people have said that they found the Psalms to be especially comforting during this time of “letting go”.

Cultivate Other Friendships.

Even if it’s difficult, scary, and our hearts are not in it … we need to do it. Our feelings will catch up later, and we’ll be glad we’ve made the investment in the lives of our new friends. The Lord will choose relationships for us if we’ll let Him. Willingness to accept the friends He gives us will deepen our relationship with Him as well. He knows just the relationships we need to draw out our special qualities and chip off our rough edges.

Discover God’s Vision for Relationships.

If we love another person as God loves him, we’ll desire to see that man (or women) conformed to the image of Christ. The Lord wants to bring forth qualities in us that reflect His character and gifts that enable us to do His work. In a recent issue of the Desert Stream newsletter, Andy Comiskey said,”At the onset of any friendship, we must choose a motivation. Either we mirror a friend’s homosexual desirability or his/her new identity in Christ. This may sound tough, but our willingness to be disciplined emotionally might just make or break a friendship. When we exchange another’s best interests for our own neediness, we run the risk of losing the friendship.” If we desire an exclusive emotional involvement with this friend, then our desires are in conflict with what the Lord wants. We need to ask ourselves, “Am I working with God or Against Him in the person’s life?

Resolve The Deeper Issues.

The compulsion to form dependent relationships is a symptom of deeper spiritual and emotional problems that need to be faced and resolved. Self analysis is the least effective way to uncover these problems. The most effective way is to go directly to Jesus and ask Him to show us what’s wrong. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, Who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5) Another effective way is to go to those God has placed in positions of authority over us and submit to their counsel and prayer. For some, a long-term counseling relationship will help us face the sins we need to repent of and the hurts that need healing. For others, a small covenant group that meets regularly for deep sharing and prayer will help tremendously. Sometimes personal prayer and fasting draws us to God and breaks sin bondages in a way nothing else will. The desire to find our identity and security in another human being is a common sin problem with a myriad of possible causes. Confession, repentance, deliverance, counseling, and inner healing are means the Lord will use to bring purity and emotional stability into our lives. The healing and forgiveness we need are ours through Jesus’ atonement. We can receive them by humbling ourselves before Him and before others in His body.

Prepare For The Long Haul.

Sometimes victory escapes us because we prepare for a battle rather than a war. Whether we are trying to gain freedom from a specific attachment or from lifelong patterns of dependency, we need to prepare for long-term warfare. We need to know ourselves: our vulnerabilities, the types of personalities we are likely to “fall for”, the times when we need to be especially careful. We need to know our adversary: know the specific lies Satan is likely to tempt us with and be prepared to reject those lies, even when they sound good to us! More than anything, we need to know our Lord. We need to be willing to believe God loves us. Even if we cannot seem to feel His love, we can take a stand by faith that He does love us and begin to thank Him for this fact. As we learn of God’s character through His Word, we can relinquish our images of Him as being cruel, distant, or unloving. A love relationship with Jesus is our best safeguard against emotionally dependent relationships.

Is There Life After Dependency?

Though overcoming dependence may be painful for a season, it is one of the most curable ailments known to man. Often people are so healed that they cannot even conceive of the extent of their former bondage to dependent relationships. The immediate reward in giving up a dependent relationship is peace with God. Even in the midst of pain over the loss of the dependency, we experience peace, relief, and joy as our fellowship with God is restored. “It’s like waking up after a bad dream” one woman told us.

Peace with ourselves is another blessing we receive. It’s much easier to like ourselves when we are not scheming and striving to maintain a relationship we know God does not desire for us. When we have relinquished a dependent attachment, we are no longer tormented with fear of losing the relationship. This, too, brings peace to our hearts.

In the aftermath of dependency, we discover a new freedom to love others. We are members of one another in the body of Christ. When our attentions and affections are wrapped up totally in one individual, other people in our lives are suffering for it. They are not receiving the love from us God intends them to have.

Individuals who have given up dependent relationships say they discover a new caring and compassion for people that’s not based on sexual or emotional attraction. They find they are less critical of people and less defensive. They begin to notice that their lives are founded on the real security found through their relationship with Christ, not the false security of a dependent relationship.

And, finally, overcoming dependency brings us a freedom to minister to others. We can only lead others where we have been willing to go ourselves. When we are no longer rationalizing wrong attachments, we have new liberty in the Spirit to exhort and encourage others! Our discernment becomes clearer, and spiritual truth is easier to understand and accept. We become clean vessels, fit for the Lord’s use.

In our desire to remain free from this problem, we need to remember that hiding from people is not the alternative to dependency. Dependency is a subtle counterfeit to the tremendously rich and fulfilling relationship the Lord intends for us to have through Him. If we are trying to overcome the sin of dependency, let’s remember that Jesus is not harsh with us. He will teach us to love people in a holy way, and He knows that this takes time. There is a battle between the flesh and the spirit in every way of our lives – relationships are no exception. But Jesus is the one who is bringing His body together, and we are learning.

“I am confident of this: that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6)

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The World Through Manderson's Lens

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 20:16:00 -0400

The World Through Manderson's Lens:

Pictures from my life… come and see what “eye” see, the world through my lens.